On Dreams ix

Is it possible

to call back and reshape dreams

based on harsh home truths?

~

CLP 15/05/2021

On Fear

were this heart to cease

tonight it would die happy

love lives without fear

~

CLP 13/05/2021

~

CLP 13/05/2021

On Dreams ii

then all four appear

white, red, black and pale shadows

spare me these night mares

~

CLP 03/05/2021

On Anxiety

What is going on?

Everything was under control

Now? I’m not so sure.

~

n.b. Hey, Life’s like that. Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow.

~

CLP 21/03/2021

On Ballet / Football

With grace, strength, agility

running, leaping, stretching

a staged performance

coached to perform

Our instrument is our body

The ball, decisions

freedom to play

without fear

~

n.b. Quoting Carlos Acosta, Birmingham Royal Ballet and Tony Cliss, The Posh and The Alex. Football is unscripted drama, an art in itself.

~

CLP 28/02/2021

On the Road

On this brief journey

from the slip road to exit

travel without fear

~

CLP 19/02/2021

On Mercury

Retrograde movement

an optical illusion

Orpheus, don’t look!

~

n.b. Apparently there is a bit of thing when Mercury is backsliding for nostalgia. Being grateful for the good things is one thing, wallowing in the past – meh.

~

CLP 17/02/2021

L3: Day 29 On The Bridge

I was walking back from the shop, carrying a paper bag of groceries in my arms when I reached the bridge. I have been here before, but not like this. There has usually been some kind of run up, run out, or just gradually being run down. Not this time. I just thought, from nowhere really, “I could just step over the barrier.”

I surprised myself at the sudden appearance of the idea. I recognised this as ideation and important to acknowledge. I need to speak to someone. Then it came on me again, echoed in my limbs, was more familiar, less frightening. I thought of my sons and grandchildren, my family.

I walked back to my apartment. Unpacked my groceries. Went to an online business meeting. Afterwards I made a phone call and asked if the kettle was on. It was, of course. The kettle is always on somewhere.

~

CLP 03/02/2021

Lockdown 3 (Day 25): Inside

A voice message. I hear the sadness, pain and anguish among the words, the breath, the hesitation and fluctuating voice. It is clear. My heart aches to hear it. There is no way to be there, to wrap arms around, to comfort.

A telephone conversation. I hear the deep breath before confession. I hear what I already thought was so. Apologies are unnecessary. I am grateful for the respect this honesty shows. Thank you for the courage you found to speak. I am relieved to find the story I built around lies can be re-constructed with truths.

A text. I see the angry confusion that comes from frustration; witness the retreat. I recognise the reaction, the wounded withdrawal to safety. This is not my family. It is not for me to intervene. My white charger is out to pasture, but I am here if needed.

~

CLP 30/01/2021

On Playing xvii

You playing or not

quite certain what the game is?

Me neither. Your turn!

~

n.b. The uncertainty seems to be increasing as physical distancing continues. Does anyone know what is happening to us? I write from a place of personal freedom, personal distance, personal isolation. Good days, bad days, happy days and sad.

When I read a book that mentions about going for a drink in a crowded bar, or for a romantic meal in a Paris restaurant; or when I watch a movie where people just move about acting out lives that mean having to be close to others and dealing with the intimacies of existence, I think, ‘Is this how it was, or will be? It doesn’t look or feel right. This is not how it is.

Interacting online with everyone is a miracle of technology, but I am tired of it. Everyone is accessible, everyone is removed. What is the game we are playing?

~

CLP 28/01/2021